By Deborah Bamisaye
‘When lies thrive for 20 years, the truth will catch up with it someday.’ – This is a very popular adage in Yoruba land but how true is that with the matter on our hands – ‘The Confession.’ Shhh! We have been saying it hush, hush and I think we should just continue to discuss this in the closet, or what do you suggest?
When the Truth Finally Comes Home
Sometimes, telling the truth is not the hardest part. I think the hardest part is knowing how to tell it. Especially when the truth concerns something as deeply personal as the circumstances surrounding a child’s conception.
Last month, we asked a question that has no easy answer: Should children conceived through donor sperm, donor eggs or donor embryos be told the truth about their origins?
Today, let’s go one step further. Suppose the answer is YES. Then comes the next question: How do you tell a child something that could change the way they understand their own story?
Do you sit the child down one Saturday morning and say, “There is something we need to tell you”?
Do you wait until the child is old enough to understand?
Do you wait until they ask?
Do you tell them everything at once?
Or do you allow the truth to grow with them?
What if the child has some questions?
And perhaps the most important question of all: Can the truth be told in a way that makes a child feel more loved rather than less?
The Question Nobody Expected
“Daddy?”
“Yes, Princess?”
“Why do I look like none of you?”
The spoon stopped halfway to his mouth. Across the table, his wife looked at him.
Their sixteen-year-old daughter, Zara, laughed. “What?”
“Nothing,” her mother said quickly.
Zara’s smile faded. “Mum… Daddy… what is wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” her father said. But even as the words left his mouth, he knew she had noticed.
“Then why are you both looking at each other like that?” (Silence)
Her father picked up his spoon. Put it down again.
“Daddy?”
He looked at his wife. She looked frightened; he was frightened too.
“Why do I look like none of you?” Zara repeated, this time more slowly.
Her mother reached across the table. “Zara…”
“Yes, Mum?”
She hesitated. Her fingers trembled slightly. Her father looked at her. She looked back at him. Zara’s eyes moved from one parent to the other.
“Wait…” (Nobody spoke, her smile disappeared.) “Is everything okay? What aren’t you telling me?”
And suddenly, after sixteen years of carefully protecting a secret… they realized something. The question was no longer whether or not to tell Zara. Zara was already asking them to.
Dear Reader,
This is where the conversation becomes even more delicate. Because disclosure is not simply about information; it is about identity, trust, belonging and love. Read our earlier discussion on donor conception, infertility and the difficult questions surrounding disclosure.
The Truth Is Not One Conversation
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is imagining that disclosure must happen as one dramatic announcement. It doesn’t have to.
For some families, the healthier approach may be to allow the child’s understanding to develop gradually, using simple, age-appropriate language as the child grows.
A young child may only need to understand:
“You are very much wanted.”
“Many people helped us to bring you into our family.”
“You have always been our child.”
As the child grows older, more information can be introduced.
The conversation changes because the child changes.
Five-year-old questions are different from ten-year-old questions.
Ten-year-old questions are different from seventeen-year-old questions.
And an adult may ask questions that a child never imagined asking.
The goal is not to tell the entire story in one sitting. The goal is to make the truth safe enough to talk about.
But What If the Child Gets Angry?
Let’s not pretend every disclosure will produce a warm hug and a beautiful ending.
A child may become confused.
A teenager may become angry.
An adult may ask difficult questions.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“Who is my biological father?”
“Do I have genetic brothers or sisters?”
“Why did you keep this from me?”
These questions may hurt. But questions are not necessarily rejection. Sometimes, questions are simply the mind trying to reorganize a story it thought it already understood. This is why parents may need patience and sometimes, professional counselling before starting this conversation.
What Does the Medical Community Say?
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has taken a clear position: disclosure of donor conception to the donor-conceived person is strongly encouraged, although the ultimate decision remains with the recipient parents. The organization also emphasizes counselling and informed consent around disclosure. What does the Nigerian Community say? Join me as we uncover this the next time. From this writing desk, it’s bye for now.
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