By Deborah Bamisaye
There are questions medicine can answer.
There are questions science can answer.
There are questions laboratory tests can answer. And then, we have…
The Question That Has No Easy Answer
This is a question that no microscope, no scan, no fertility specialist and no medical textbook can answer for anyone.
You really want to know what it is? I will lead you into this with a simple but deep analysis: “Suppose a child is conceived through donor sperm, donor eggs or donor embryos. The child grows up:
a. Healthy
b. Happy
c. Deeply loved
Twenty-five years later, by accident, the child discovers that the man called “Dad” is not his biological father… Or that the woman called “Mum” did not contribute the egg from which he or she was conceived. Was the child protected…Or betrayed?” Did you just pause to think about it? Now, don’t be in a hurry to answer, you know why? It’s because your answer may reveal less about donor conception and more about how you understand love, truth, family and trust.
Imagine asking that same question from one hundred fertility specialists, one hundred psychologists, one hundred ethicists, one hundred pastors, one hundred parents who conceived through donor-assisted conception, and one hundred adults who were themselves donor-conceived. Would they all agree? Almost certainly not. Because few questions in reproductive medicine generate as much thoughtful disagreement as this one: “Should children conceived through donor-assisted conception be told the truth about their origins?”
What Do You Think?
For decades, this question has quietly followed families who built their homes through donor-assisted conception.
Some parents decide early that they will tell their child. Others decide they never will. Still others begin with every intention of being open but, as the years pass, they find themselves waiting for “the right time.” The problem is that, the “right time” often keeps moving. Five becomes ten. Ten becomes fifteen. Before long, the child is an adult, and the conversation has become far more difficult than anyone could ever imagine. Perhaps that is why this debate refuses to disappear over the years. It is not simply about sharing information. It is about protecting a relationship.
The Case for Keeping It Private
Let us begin with the parents who choose silence: Contrary to what some people assume, many are not trying to deceive their children. Rather, they are trying to shield them. They fear that introducing the subject too early may create confusion, insecurity or emotional distance. Some worry that a son may one day say, “You are not my real father.” Others fear that a daughter may question whether the woman who carried, delivered and raised her is truly her mother.
There are also cultural realities. In many African communities, conversations about infertility remain deeply private. Couples who have already endured years of questions, unsolicited advice and painful comments may simply want to close that chapter and move on with their lives. For them, silence feels like protection.
The Case for Openness
Yet another group of parents reaches a different conclusion. They believe that every child deserves to know the truth about his or her beginnings not because genetics is more important than love, but because trust is. Their reasoning is simple. Secrets have a way of becoming heavier with time and that is true. A truth shared gently and gradually may strengthen a family, while a truth discovered accidentally may leave a child wondering, “…If my parents kept this from me, what else have they hidden?” For these families, honesty is not an event. It is a journey.
When Technology Changes the Conversation
Few years back, a family could reasonably expect such a secret to remain private but today, the world has changed.
A routine medical investigation; a blood transfusion; an ancestry DNA kit purchased out of curiosity; a genetic screening before marriage. Even advances in personalized medicine may reveal biological connections that previous generations could never have imagined.
The question is no longer only, “Should we tell?” It has also become, “What happens if someone or something tells before we do?”
What Do Experts Say?
Many fertility counsellors, psychologists and reproductive medicine organizations now encourage intended parents to think carefully about openness from the very beginning of the journey.
Rather than viewing disclosure as a single dramatic conversation, they often recommend approaching it as an ongoing, age-appropriate dialogue that grows with the child. A young child does not need every medical detail. What the child needs first is reassurance:
a. “You were deeply wanted.”
b. “You were loved long before you were born.”
c. “Many people helped bring you into our lives, but we have always been your parents.”
What do you think this would do? It’s simple: As the child matures, the conversation can mature as well.
But what about our faith?
For many families, especially within our society, this decision is not only medical or psychological. It is also spiritual. Some ask, “Does telling honour truth? “Others ask, “Does withholding the information protect the family God has given us?” These are sincere questions. They deserve thoughtful reflection rather than quick answers or judgement.
Interestingly, a Nigerian study found that most couples who used donor sperm preferred not to tell their children how they were conceived, largely because they feared psychological harm, family conflict and social stigma. The researchers, however, emphasized the importance of proper counselling to help couples make informed decisions.
Now, whatever conclusion a couple reaches, must never be driven by fear, shame or pressure from relatives. It should be reached prayerfully, wisely and, where possible, with guidance from experienced fertility counsellors and trusted spiritual mentors.
Perhaps We Have Been Asking the Wrong Question. Maybe the greatest question is not:
“Should we tell?” Perhaps the better questions are:
a. If we tell, how can we do so with wisdom?
b. If we wait, what are we hoping will change?
c. Are we protecting our child… Or protecting ourselves from a difficult conversation? Sometimes, the quality of our questions determines the quality of the answers we get and perhaps the decisions we make.
The Point Is:
Children conceived through donor-assisted conception are not defined by the laboratory where an embryo was created or by the donor who made conception possible. They are defined:
1. By the home that welcomed them.
2. By the arms that carried them.
3. By the voices that comforted them.
4. By the sacrifices made for them.
5. And by the love that chose them, long before they ever took their first breath.
Whether parents eventually choose openness or privacy, one truth must never be lost: “No child should ever feel like a secret. Every child should feel like a gift.”
Call to Action
Dear Reader, this conversation does not end with this article, it begins with you.
What do you think?
If a child is conceived through donor sperm, donor eggs or donor embryos, should that child be told the truth about his or her origins? If your answer is yes, when is the right time to do so? If ‘No,’ what are your reasons? There are no quick or easy answers, and that is precisely why your perspective matters.
Share your thoughts respectfully in the comments. Your experience, opinion or question may encourage another family navigating a difficult season. If this article has informed or challenged you, kindly share it with your family, friends and colleagues. Together, we can replace silence with understanding, fear with compassion, and stigma with hope.
Till I see you in the next part of this journey… stay safe!
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