By Deborah Bamisaye
From the last edition, we discussed about ‘confession.’ How we should go about it and what the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) advised. The Nigerian culture and psychological position, may beg to suggest otherwise. While for Europeans, this may not be much of a big deal but for Africans, especially Nigerians…it could be…hmmm! What am I even saying? Asking me if I have any proof? Well, what do you suggest I say other than what has been proven by some intellectuals. I guess you want to be in the ‘know.’ Why not?
Hmmm! The Nigerian Version of the Story
This is where things become particularly interesting. A Nigerian study involving people attending infertility clinics in south-eastern Nigeria found a strong preference for secrecy surrounding donor sperm conception. Approximately 84% of respondents said the mode of conception should not be disclosed to the donor-conceived child, while approximately 92% said the donor’s identity should not be revealed. The major concerns included possible psychological harm to the child and fear that the child might reject the social father in search of the donor. Think about that for a moment. International professional guidance may increasingly encourage openness, yet many Nigerian respondents in this study preferred secrecy. Why?
This is perhaps because medicine does not operate in a cultural vacuum. Family; Faith; Tradition; Stigma; Marriage and Inheritance – all need to be considered.
Community Expectations
All of these can influence how a family approaches donor conception. So, that is precisely why this conversation cannot be reduced to: “Tell the child.” Or: “Don’t tell the child.” The real conversation is much deeper.
What If the Parents Are Not Ready?
This is important too, abi? A parent who is frightened does not suddenly become fearless because a guideline says, “You should disclose.” Some couples may need counselling before they can have the conversation confidently.
They may need to deal with their own feelings about infertility, genetics, donor conception and parenthood first. Hmmm! How can the parents help a child understand a complicated story when they themselves are still struggling to understand it? There is no shame in seeking help. Sometimes, the strongest thing a parent can say is: “We need help having this conversation well.”
And What About the Donor?
There is another layer many people forget. Telling a child that a donor was involved does not automatically mean the child should have unrestricted access to the donor’s identity.
Those are two separate groups of questions.
- A child may want to know:
- Who was the donor?
- What is their medical history?
- Do I have genetic half-siblings?
- Where did certain physical or medical characteristics come from?
- Will I ever meet this person?
These questions may emerge gradually and they deserve thoughtful answers rather than promises that may not be possible to keep.
Perhaps the goal is not to choose between truth and love. Maybe the goal is to build a family where truth can live safely inside love. Because a child should never have to choose between knowing where they came from…and knowing where they belong.
ASRM recommends that fertility programmes maintain relevant medical and genetic information about donors because donor-conceived people may later seek information about their genetic background.
- How Long Can We Hold On?
- How long can we keep from spewing?
- What more can one say?
- The question is no longer simply: “Can we keep this secret?”
- Perhaps we should also ask: “What happens if our child discovers it somewhere else?”
Today, families can discover biological connections through consumer DNA testing that previous generations could never have uncovered accidentally.
Knowing one’s genetic background may matter for more than curiosity.
- It can matter for identity.
- It can matter for family medical history.
- And it can matter when genetic information becomes medically relevant later in life.
- There is another reason the conversation has become even more urgent: DNA technology.
Professional guidance from The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) and European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE) recognizes that this changing technological environment makes thoughtful preparation for disclosure increasingly important.
Perhaps This Is Where Love Is Tested
When exactly is ‘Love’ tested?
- Is it when the baby arrives?
- Is it when the birth announcement is made?
- Is it when everyone comes around with congratulations?
- Or years later…When a child asks a question that makes everyone uncomfortable.
At that moment, love may have to choose between protecting the parent’s comfort and protecting the child’s need to understand the story and perhaps there is no universal answer but there can be a wise answer – a compassionate answer; an age-appropriate answer and a truthful answer at that.
The Point Is:
Donor conception may explain how a child came into the world. It does not determine who that child becomes.
DNA can explain biology but:
- It cannot explain bedtime stories;
- It cannot explain sacrifice;
- It cannot explain who stayed awake when the child was sick;
- It cannot explain who attended the school events;
- Who celebrated the birthdays;
- Who wiped the tears;
- Who prayed;
- Who stayed;
- Who loved;
- And yet…truth matters too.
A Final Word on This
We’ve come a long way; we started this journey over a year ago and we saw an emotionally broken couple who got their 2 children naturally but not without a doctor pointing them upwards to the real maker of babies. For this particular donor chapter, we started by talking about donor sperm, donor eggs and donor embryos. We have explored the medical possibilities: The emotional struggles; the questions of identity; the fears of parents; the concerns of families; and now, the difficult question of disclosure. Perhaps we have reached a place where one simple truth deserves to remain with us: Families may be created in different ways, but children deserve to grow up surrounded by love, dignity, honesty and belonging.
I beg to close the chapter of this ‘book’ here. Not because every question has been answered but because some conversations are valuable precisely because they make us think.
Dear Reader, what do you advice? What do you think? Imagine a couple who finally welcomed a child after years of infertility through donor-assisted conception. Would you advise them to tell the child? If yes, when? If no, why not? And if you were the child, would you want to know? There may be no universally accepted answer, but your perspective could help another person think differently because sometimes, breaking the silence does not solve the problem immediately…but it gives people permission to stop facing it alone.
If this series has informed, challenged or encouraged you, kindly share it with someone who may need it. Together, we can continue to strip infertility of its medals not by pretending the journey is easy, but by telling the stories, asking the difficult questions, understanding the medical paths, honouring the struggles, celebrating the strength…and keeping hope alive.
I sure will be talking more on child bearing some other time but not under this topic.
Till I see you in another journey…keep keeping hope alive and stay safe!
English